My Road Trip is a Journey Within

I'm not very skilled and lack experience (obviously!) when it comes to "Selfies" photographs, but self confrontation leading to self healing is a huge part of my life.

I’m not very skilled and lack experience (obviously!) when it comes to “Selfies” photographs, but self confrontation leading to self healing is a huge part of my life.

My self described “working road trip” was initially just an option and somewhat of a romantic notion. I liked the idea of freedom on the road, as well as growing my business and helping others by venturing to different areas. I have met so many lovely animals and people and have had such tremendous self healing experiences that I could never regret my choice to do it.

It has given me extra time to meditate, focus on myself and spend time with my loyal canine companion, Rock. However, it hasn’t all been smooth sailing. There have been times I’ve questioned my decision and contemplated turning back. But despite hardships and challenges, I have chosen to keep my commitment to stay on the road until I come back to San Diego mid March.

Grandma Sally

Happy advance Birthday to my beautiful Grandma Sally. She would have been 95 years old next month. I miss her smile, her laugh, her friendship.

I will be arriving in San Diego March 16 or 17. March 17 would have been my Grandma Sally’s 95th birthday. She passed away in 2012 and I still miss being able to physically see her. Although I can still tune into her spiritually, she has moved on and of course, it is not the same as being able to physically see her, hug her, sit with her, laugh and talk. We talked about everything, including her death. We also talked about her boyfriends who I nicknamed, her “Two Tony’s”; Celebrity Chef, Anthony Bourdain and Tony Soprano. When the actor that played Tony Soprano, James Gandolfini, passed away less than a year after my Grandma’s death, I was shocked and saddened. I hoped that him and my Grandma would at least get to say a passing hello, as spirit.

So much of this journey has been about me realizing how sad my body is. Not just from the death of my Grandma and her ” boyfriend”. I have experienced sad losses throughout my entire life. In order to keep going and functioning, I have put some grieving on hold. This isn’t healthy, nor does it work. If we ignore and do not deal with any aspect of our growth, it can and does effect us. I have dealt with some of the pain, grief, sadness and other heavy emotions and energies associated with my losses, but I am aware of how much is still there.

As a child, I moved often. First from my mother’s womb, then from the hospital room to my first home. Just three weeks after being born I moved again to a different residence. Moving itself is a loss. We let go of one home to make room for the new. So there is, at least usually, some type of a replacement, but loss is involved nonetheless.

This pattern of moving from one place to another continued throughout my childhood and into my teen years. I did live in the same house all four years of high school. What happened when we moved is what brought me the most sadness. Saying goodbye to friends. Over and over and over again. My neighborhood and school playmates and very sadly, often my pets. To this day I have a special affinity for black Labs and Shepherds. The memory of the animal control truck coming to our new house to pick up my friends, Silver, our black Labrador Retriever mix, King, our German Shepherd, and Wolf, our Shepherd/Wolf mix, when I was six years old is burned into my memory with confusion. I still do not understand why we couldn’t keep our dogs or our beautiful cats that were picked up too. There weren’t many cats left in our care at that point because most of them were left behind with a neighbor when we moved from our old house. Just writing this hurts. So many animal friends I loved taken and deserted. So sad! I do remember a cute black kitten that I loved. I should mention I have a thing for black cats to this day too.

Here is one of my new black cat friends, Ace. I met him in Sedona, Arizona at Sedona Pet Supply. Love him!

Here is one of my new black cat friends, Ace. I met him in Sedona, Arizona at Sedona Pet Supply. Love him!

You see why I have so much sadness within me?! I am determined, however to keep working on it. While I need to let my body grieve its losses, I prefer the feeling of happiness. So, I’m going to always aim for that!

As we so often do when there are unresolved issues, I continued the pattern of moving frequently into my adulthood. This created a lack of stability in my childhood. However, it is a familiar feeling to me. We often prefer familiarity, even if it hinders us or may not be the most beneficial option.

One of the other things that became apparent early on in my road trip was my desire to create more stability in my life. Although it makes me cringe a little, I want it for myself, my dog and any other animals that may decide to join us. So even though I may still travel for work or vacations, I want a physical place to call home.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day and Happy Birthday, Grandma!

Grandma Sally

Happy Birthday to my beautiful Grandma Sally. She would have been 94 years old today.

Today would have been my Grandma Sally’s 94th birthday. She passed away in 2012. We had a unique Grandma/Granddaughter relationship. She was not only my Grandma, but also one of my best friends. I loved hearing her laugh, so I would often crack jokes. I performed stand up comedy for her in her living room for over two years before I ever stepped on a San Diego stage. She was the best audience ever! She had quite a sense of humor too and would sometimes shock me with what came out of her mouth! She was still my Grandma after all! But after the shock left my laugh would linger and every time I thought and think of what she said, it made and makes me laugh.

Grandma Sally cried tears of joy and happiness when President Obama was elected. Being born in 1920, I imagine she may have thought such a day would never happen when the United States would elect an African American president. Her favorite movie was, “Brokeback Mountain.” She said to me once, if anyone sees that movie and still has a problem with gay people, well… there’s just no hope for them!” Her favorite TV show was “The Sopranos.” She would proudly tell her friends it was, “the unedited version.” She was naturally compassionate and accepting of others. She truly liked people and sincerely appreciated differences. She had two “boyfriends,” both named Tony. I called them her “Two Tonys.” Celebrity Chef, Anthony Bourdain and the character, Tony Soprano. She liked the bad boys!

Grandma kissing favorite bear.

My Grandma loved bears. Here is one of her favorites that I gave her.

Like me, my grandma loved animals. Her absolute favorite being bears. After moving down here in 2007, each year on Christmas I would get her a new bear. I am blessed to have the teddy bear collection that we created together. I associate warm memories with it.

More than any person I have ever met, she appreciated the beauty of the moment. In a short walk from her front door to her car, she would notice how blue the sky looked, how pretty the flowers were and would stop to listen to the birds sing. Happy Birthday, sweet Grandma and Happy St. Patrick’s Day! She loved being born on St. Patrick’s Day. She would say, “everybody celebrates my birthday!” So today, whether or not you will be formally celebrating, I encourage you to stop and experience and appreciate the moment. I hope it puts a smile on your face the way it did for my Grandma Sally. I love you so, so much Grandma. Thank you for all you taught me and continue to teach me. I miss having you here with me physically, but am so glad I know that you, the soul, will always exist.

I haven’t updated my comedy website since before she passed away. I still have our true story that became one of my jokes on the front page, if you would like to read it.

http://igotlied.com/