My self described “working road trip” was initially just an option and somewhat of a romantic notion. I liked the idea of freedom on the road, as well as growing my business and helping others by venturing to different areas. I have met so many lovely animals and people and have had such tremendous self healing experiences that I could never regret my choice to do it.
It has given me extra time to meditate, focus on myself and spend time with my loyal canine companion, Rock. However, it hasn’t all been smooth sailing. There have been times I’ve questioned my decision and contemplated turning back. But despite hardships and challenges, I have chosen to keep my commitment to stay on the road until I come back to San Diego mid March.
I will be arriving in San Diego March 16 or 17. March 17 would have been my Grandma Sally’s 95th birthday. She passed away in 2012 and I still miss being able to physically see her. Although I can still tune into her spiritually, she has moved on and of course, it is not the same as being able to physically see her, hug her, sit with her, laugh and talk. We talked about everything, including her death. We also talked about her boyfriends who I nicknamed, her “Two Tony’s”; Celebrity Chef, Anthony Bourdain and Tony Soprano. When the actor that played Tony Soprano, James Gandolfini, passed away less than a year after my Grandma’s death, I was shocked and saddened. I hoped that him and my Grandma would at least get to say a passing hello, as spirit.
So much of this journey has been about me realizing how sad my body is. Not just from the death of my Grandma and her ” boyfriend”. I have experienced sad losses throughout my entire life. In order to keep going and functioning, I have put some grieving on hold. This isn’t healthy, nor does it work. If we ignore and do not deal with any aspect of our growth, it can and does effect us. I have dealt with some of the pain, grief, sadness and other heavy emotions and energies associated with my losses, but I am aware of how much is still there.
As a child, I moved often. First from my mother’s womb, then from the hospital room to my first home. Just three weeks after being born I moved again to a different residence. Moving itself is a loss. We let go of one home to make room for the new. So there is, at least usually, some type of a replacement, but loss is involved nonetheless.
This pattern of moving from one place to another continued throughout my childhood and into my teen years. I did live in the same house all four years of high school. What happened when we moved is what brought me the most sadness. Saying goodbye to friends. Over and over and over again. My neighborhood and school playmates and very sadly, often my pets. To this day I have a special affinity for black Labs and Shepherds. The memory of the animal control truck coming to our new house to pick up my friends, Silver, our black Labrador Retriever mix, King, our German Shepherd, and Wolf, our Shepherd/Wolf mix, when I was six years old is burned into my memory with confusion. I still do not understand why we couldn’t keep our dogs or our beautiful cats that were picked up too. There weren’t many cats left in our care at that point because most of them were left behind with a neighbor when we moved from our old house. Just writing this hurts. So many animal friends I loved taken and deserted. So sad! I do remember a cute black kitten that I loved. I should mention I have a thing for black cats to this day too.
You see why I have so much sadness within me?! I am determined, however to keep working on it. While I need to let my body grieve its losses, I prefer the feeling of happiness. So, I’m going to always aim for that!
As we so often do when there are unresolved issues, I continued the pattern of moving frequently into my adulthood. This created a lack of stability in my childhood. However, it is a familiar feeling to me. We often prefer familiarity, even if it hinders us or may not be the most beneficial option.
One of the other things that became apparent early on in my road trip was my desire to create more stability in my life. Although it makes me cringe a little, I want it for myself, my dog and any other animals that may decide to join us. So even though I may still travel for work or vacations, I want a physical place to call home.